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August 19, 2019

“Okay, it’s, uh, great to be here in New York. Um, I know that sounds phony ’cause every entertainer in the world comes out no matter where they are and they always go “HEY! IT’S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!”

And it really sounds fake. But, believe me,I am sincere when I say, “HEY! IT’S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!”

– Steve Martin

The only thing significant

About where you were born

Is that statistically it is

Within 50 miles of

Where you will die

Other than that it is

A geographical location

With a contrived name

Probably picked by

A cross-eyed map maker

Or, like the land

Stolen from

The indigenous culture

That was there first

Treating it with grace

For its sacredness

Still most people

Are “proud'” of where

They were born due to

An accident of birth

Or better / worse yet

Moved because of

Economic circumstances

Still it is a quick and easy

Pavlovian crowd pleaser

To mention the largest

“Hometown” name

Above the lost suburbs

To stir an emotional reaction

Of whoops hoots and hollers

Never wondering why

In the larger scheme of things

And I do mean larger

Such as if, intergalactic

Multidimensional travel

Was the norm

Beings would declare

They are earthlings

So why not now

Buddying up as one

Taking care of each

“Our” own kind

So why not now

Not those “alien”

Martian and Venusian’s

Who have somehow

Traversed through our

Atmospheric border

Conquering space

Asteroids fields

Gamma rays and comets

Seeking a better

Place to be

Because they too

Saw the beacon

Of liberty glowing

On the third

Rock from the sun

Who based on

Current experiences

Will want to call themselves

At the next

Out of this world

Cosmological rock concert

Or political rally


Then maybe we will

All just get along

Long enough

To share and develop

The technology

To keep out

Those pesky

Saturnian’s and Plutonian’s


Feel the sarcasm

Know the sarcasm

Be the sarcasm

“There’s no such thing as ‘We’re Americans.’ That’s just a bunch of bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American, you’re a guy, or a girl, or whatever.

Until the Mongols come over the hills swinging machetes, trying to take our fire-hazard underground comedy club away from us, then we all buddy up as one.

But those days are over, there’s no-one trying to take over America. We weren’t on the verge of speaking Iraqi.

As far as ‘America’ goes – there’s two countries in the world: Dick, and Not a Dick. The border goes all the way around.

Did you ever go to another country and meet another American when you didn’t expect to?

You always talk to them, just for the trivia. ‘Hey, you’re from America? I’m from America! Where you from?’ 

And it’s never more than three sentences before you realise, if I was in America, I wouldn’t talk to this d#&^%bag if my hair was on fire and he held a monopoly on liquid.

I’m an American? What does that mean? I’m no more an American than I’m an Aires or an uncle. It’s just something you called me when I showed up.”

– Doug Stanhope

From → humor, Paradox, Quotes, random

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