Cleaning My Slate

Continued from “A Clean Slate”

Sometimes what gets
Embedded the deepest
is not that which
Strikes the hardest
Though that is
Everlasting too
.
It is the constant
Application of soft chalk
Layered on daily with
Persistent application
Repeated recitation
.
Though slumber erases
The daily incursions
Of lessons taught
Behaviors observed
.
The firm felt of that wool
Can only erase so much
Leaving the remnants
Pressed deeply in the
Pores cracks and crevices
Of the “precious” clean slate
.
Such as
.
Anger
Deception
Detachment
.
On the bright side
What was not etched in was
.
Sexism
Racism
Xenophobia
.
Sexism – mother and father did the same thing for the same pay, as far as I know
.
Racism – everyone’s money is green
.
Xenophobia – did not identify myself with my religion or its weakly indoctrination, therefore did not identify anyone else with theirs…….
.
Thank God
.
Back to cleaning my slate
.
Anger – perhaps not anger rather temper
.
After all:
.
“Don’t trust anyone who isn’t angry.’
.
– John Trudell
.
Temper – Knowing this needs to be cleaned off of my slate, looked back to see when thiis was carved in. Oh yeah table tennis.
.
Nice fun indoor sport, can’t get too winded or too hot. Learned from father, that if you miss an easy shot or difficult one is that somehow, striking the table with the paddle was okay.
.
That monkey mimicking behavior carried way beyond the ping-pong table and its notched paddle stricken ends where the children would later play and get blamed for its condition. Though the alleged adult could keep “playing” that way.
.
Covered by the oft repeated mantra
.
“Do as I say, not as I do”…Great…Thanks
.
Deception – These fine “fine” particles are all over the board/slate ingrained deep. Plus occurring often albeit unintentional driven by social norms i.e. Santa Claus etc.
.
However
.
When I observed what I saw and knew what I was fully aware of then was dismissed or distracted from said awareness was cause for not only questioning reality rather questioning sanity.
.
I know what I saw, I’m old enough now
You can not gaslight me mother-father
.
“Watch what they do, not what they say.”
.
– Rachel Maddow
.
Detachment – This strike nearly broke the slate, expending every last bit of exhausted energy to hold it together. Without going in to details what needs to be removed from my “clean” slate is the notion that I “should” not have been born.
.
Also, my grandfather’s business being firmly planted across the street from a funeral “home” (nice euphemism for business). Heard the constant cliché that someone was going on their “last ride”.
.
Giggling away the sanctimonious whim that if death means nothing, neither does life….
.
I like yourself wonder how someone
In their mid 50’s is trying to work
Through childhood indoctrinations
.
Nevermind,  you clean your slate
I’ll clean mine……
.
Let me know when you are done……
.
This last project started realizing
I was tired of my temper which is
Usually self directed and intense
Loathsome, lamenting & exhausting
Which only inflicts damage to my
Own slate, which is waiting to be
Cleaned before I can go back
.
To start all over again with a…clean slate
.
After carving in the reminder not to procrastinate and vet enlightened parents with nurturing capabilities and a penchant for evolutionary awareness.
.
Nevermind…those people won’t have children.
.
“Just an observation,
Maybe I need
Different glasses.”
.
– Angelo Devlin